Dear Lord, I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man
Love, To forgive him and
Patience, For his moods
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death .
ACCIDENTS--OR how to REALLY be safe in
today's world......
1. Avoid riding in automobiles because they are responsible for 20% of
all fatal accidents.
2. Do not stay home because 17% of all accidents occur in the home.
3. Avoid walking on streets or sidewalks because 14% of all accidents occur
to
pedestrians.
4. Avoid traveling by air, rail, or water because 16% of all accidents involve
these
forms of transportation.
5. Of the remaining 33%, 32% of all deaths occur in Hospitals. Above all else,
avoid
hospitals.
You will be pleased to learn that only 00.1% of all deaths occur in worship
services in church, and these are usually related to previous physical disorders. Therefore, logic tells us that the safest place for you to be at any given point in
time is at
church!
Oh, yeah...bible study is safe too. The percentage of deaths during Bible study
is even
less.
FOR SAFETY'S SAKE--Attend church and read your Bible...IT COULD SAVE
YOUR LIFE!
REMEMBER YOUR BUMPER STICKERS
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God the Father as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They are given the task, and began to type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan indignantly protests, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better. "Jesus enters a command and the screen comes to life with a vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Satan, when are you going to learn ...Jesus saves!"
THE DEAD END
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about believing in Jesus and going to heaven.
At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" they all piped up.
"And what do you have to be to get there?"
"Dead!", one boy yelled.
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